We’ve all had jobs that we don’t like over the years, roles that we’ve taken to bring in rupees to put bread on the table for the family or to save up for those special occasions when we get to leave our kingdom to head to pastures new, maybe a holiday on Lake Hylia or a week backpacking on Death Mountain. Still, when you land your dream job in a video game, you would expect things to be light and airy, a complete breeze with tonnes of happy memories to look back on.
Unfortunately, that’s certainly not the case for a certain Windmill owner that you might know from the Zelda franchise. We caught up with The Zelda Windmill Guy in the middle of a tense legal battle with directors over at Nintendo about his role in the series and how it’s affected his life thus far.
‘No one even knows my name; it’s Guru-Guru,’ says Windmill Guy, ‘they didn’t even give me a name in Ocarina of Time and that was undoubtedly my biggest hit.’ It’s a tense interview in the Retro Dodo office; Windmill Guy’s hand never stops turning the crank on his Phonogram despite the heavy bandages on his wrist, and the repetitive rendition of the Song of Storms is starting to get to us more than his haunting stare. ‘I started out in Oracle of Seasons back in 2001. Things were pretty fun; sure the hours were long and it went from Winter to Summer all the time with that little twerp waving his silly wand around, but I was working outdoors and I loved every second.’
I’ve been kicked out of my local book club for playing this accursed tune over and over.
Windmill Guy (Apparently Guru-Guru)
‘Things took a turn for the worse when I got the call for Ocarina of Time,’ he continues, ‘do you know how long I was turning this crank for while that pot-throwing rascal was trapped in the Sacred Realm? It changed me forever, all those days just playing this wretched tune, no chance for a tea break or to put my feet up, Nintendo telling me that Link would return any day and that I had to keep on the clock. I couldn’t even enjoy my appearance in Majora’s Mask, and now I just can’t stop playing.’
Windmill Guy, who keeps reminding me that his name is Guru-Guru, has told us all about his plans for the future with regard to a lawsuit with Nintendo. ‘I got the idea after seeing all these lawsuits with the Pokémon copycat titles,’ says Windmi… Guru-Guru, ‘I’ve been turning this blasted instrument for 23 years now and can’t stop. Do you know how hard it is to do normal, everyday things like making a cup of coffee or decorating your living room while playing this song? I’ve been kicked out of my local book club for playing this accursed tune over and over, and I’m no longer allowed on the quiet coach on trains. It’s caused me no end of trouble, and it’s time Nintendo answered for their mistakes. My wrist is in agony, and I can’t buy any bandages for all the Gibdos buying up the stock!’
Windmill Guru is asking for a hefty amount in compensation; one whole piece of heart, 500,000 Rupees, and a new location in Hateno Village. ‘I want to put the Phonogram days behind me, maybe get a new job as a carpenter. I think it’s time I got my own title too; it’s working for Zelda, so why not me too?’
The Song of Storms has certainly left this character feeling more than a little under the weather, but will his demands leave Nintendo feeling frosty toward his future prospects? I don’t know, but I wish this interview would end – I’m going to hear this song in my nightmares for the rest of time!
